‘An Unusual Marriage’
In David’s psalm of repentance he mentions that he wants to help others through his own experience of sin and repentance and forgiveness. This is probably also the reason why we share our stories. I found the biographies of Christians very helpful as I grew up. I was born into a non-Christian family but became a believer in childhood through being sent to Sunday School in the local Baptist church. My parents were both orphans and were deeply scarred by the emotional traumas they had suffered in their own upbringings. I was the eldest of three children. My sister and I became strong Christians and we were able to read our Bibles and pray together. We had a steady diet of good books and Bible studies, including the remarkable studies of Dr Martyn Lloyd Jones at Westminster Chapel. My brother, who was a few years younger, missed out on Sunday School as we moved house when he was small. He grew up with no church influence.
I thought I was going to be a missionary, despite the intense opposition of my parents, but in the end I was guided into teaching. Along the way I had a few boy friends, but no relationship worked out in a positive way. I can see that I was really quite fearful of marriage because of the emotional problems of my parents and because of their backgrounds. Two of the most serious relationships were with Christians from other countries because I had studied foreign languages. The first was a French man I met at a Scripture Union camp in Alsace. We got engaged when I was still a student in London, but separated after two years. The distance between us had covered up many of the differences and difficulties which showed us that we were not meant for each other. Several years later I met a Spanish man at Westminster Chapel. He had been a Roman Catholic priest and had recently had an experience of God which led him out of the church and into protestant evangelicalism. It was a heart-breaking experience for me when he decided to marry a missionary in the organisation that had befriended him when he left his church.
I was however, determined to serve God and witness to His love through my job. My sister and brother had both immigrated to Australia, so I was alone in London but very happy with the friendship and fellowship in my church. It was a great privilege to be taught the Bible and theology at Westminster Chapel. I also belonged to a prayer group of childhood friends who were earnestly seeking for revival. We met every week and I often invited friends to share the experience.
I was teaching French in a large, rough comprehensive school in south London. It was 1968 when I turned up on the door step of the Youth Club where Brian worked. It had not been a simple decision. Pained from the separation from my Spanish boy-friend, I had thrown myself into Christian activities and attended the earnest prayer times for revival which I think went on in many churches at that time. I was returning from one such meeting and was praying on the bus. I had the strange experience that God was leading me to walk down a narrow path at the end of my road. I resisted, thinking this was all too odd, but I found I could not go into my gate. I felt compelled to obey the prompting of God. I walked down the dark, narrow path, spotting someone on the adjoining waste land. I realised that I was outside a youth club. I had heard of this club from my pupils and was saddened by the violence and problem-ridden culture they spoke about. Their lives seemed far from my comfortable evangelical life. When someone came out of the club and asked me what I wanted, I had to pray for inspiration. I mentioned that I was a local teacher and wanted to know more about the club which was attended by my pupils. I was directed to speak to the man walking his dog on the wasteland. He was Brian, the youth leader. When he invited me in, I saw his Christian books and was amazed to hear that he was a Christian.
As I agreed to be a helper at the club at weekends and some evenings, we gradually formed a strong friendship. We attended the prayer group which had now become a new evangelical free church in Surrey. As the months passed I grew very fond of this man who seemed to want my company but never seemed interested in me as a woman. I was in my mid-twenties and still hopeful that I would meet the right man to marry and have a family. Brian and I spent a great deal of time together and pressures were coming from family and friends about when we would get married.
We had had this deep friendship for two years when I discovered a letter he had written to the pastor of our church. When I read that he was homosexual and felt unable to marry I was deeply shocked. I was naïve and ignorant and hardly knew what the term meant. In spite of the shock I looked back on how I had met Brian and felt sure that God was in it somehow. We were able to talk about his feelings and we wondered if God would do a miracle and change his feelings! However, our efforts to come to terms with the issue were foreshortened by the fact that Brian felt compelled to leave the church. The church was like a community, close and supportive, but very dominated by the leading elder. We had very little personal freedom, so leaving the church was an end to our relationship. I had to ‘give Brian up for the sake of the kingdom!’
Although we were now in different churches and different jobs, we managed to stay in touch. Now in my late twenties I had to face the fact that I had got it wrong again. I was beginning to learn that evangelicals did not have all the answers and that God did not behave in the way that we expected Him to. We were surrounded by prayerful people, dedicated people and saw many wonderful conversions in our church. A couple of years later the church went through some serious difficulties and the tight community began to fall apart. It was at this time that I felt so low about myself. I had given everything to build up this fellowship and one problem after another assailed me. My sister and brother had married and had their families in Australia. I felt so alone and unsure of God’s leading. This was the time when the pastor, married with children, began to make advances to me. Looking back, I wonder why I did not escape. I felt totally tied to the church and his family. Even my finances were totally bound up in his support. I was trapped but allowed a wrong and adulterous relationship to develop. In spite of the joy of being loved, I was torn apart and broken down by the sense of living in sin. The relationship was secret. No one else guessed. The church split up and I was at last able to get out of the relationship. I still told no one at that stage.
With my new freedom I felt that I should let Brian know the truth of what had happened. It justified his own need to leave the controlling power of the pastor. It was a very hard thing for me to confess my affair to him, but it did mean that we rebuilt the close relationship that we had had in the past and were able to share so much of our lives. After much prayer and seeking God, we agreed to get married but to have a celibate marriage. As we had begun experiencing charismatic worship at that time, we were given many encouraging words by people who did not know of Brian’s orientation. Our wedding was a very happy time for us and family and friends.
We felt at peace with our decision, but it was not easy for us. I wondered if God really intended me to remain celibate as a punishment for what I had done. Would I ever feel forgiven by God? These struggles were only internal for outwardly we had a very happy relationship. I slowly discovered that Brian was leading a secret, double life. He eventually responded to a ‘word of knowledge’ in a service. He told the elder that he was addicted to gay pornography. This was another shock for me. It was the beginning of a few years of agony. There was prayer, exorcism, deliverance ministry and heavy shepherding. We were told that Brian was healed and that we should have a normal physical relationship. We had regular meetings with the elders and tried to obey them. It was clearly bringing Brian near to a nervous breakdown. We both cracked inside and felt very wretched. I was able to get help from old friends and Brian was at last put in touch with Courage.
It was a relief to me that Brian was getting support from men who understood the problem. I reached the stage when I had to give up hope of his ever being ‘healed’ of his homosexuality. I confirmed to him that I would never pressurise him and that we would remain celibate as we had always intended when we agreed to marry. We have enjoyed a marriage of companionship and known the security of a loving and supportive friendship. Our home has often been a safe place for others, a hospitable home for many foreign visitors and waifs and strays from the margins of society. We both furthered our careers and participated fully in church life, so in many ways we enjoyed fulfilled lives.
I was particularly involved with exchanges with France and Germany.
When we changed from the large charismatic church to a smaller one in 1991, we were able to continue ministry in eastern Germany now that the Berlin Wall had come down. We had changed to Lakeside Christian Fellowship because of another of those strange, spiritual interventions of God, when we were convinced that He was leading us. Before we left the large church we received several apologies from leaders about how they had handled us and for the fact that they had been unable to help us.
We settled in to the new church and Brian was made an elder. I had no idea that Brian had from time to time returned to pornography to express his sexuality. Like an alcoholic, he had left his habit for many months, then returned to it again, opening correspondence with gay men and sharing their fantasies. In the past I had come across letters and photos. He often wrote without sending the letters. I thought he had put it behind him after joining Courage, but he explained that when the other men in the group talked of their sexual activities, he felt that his own problems were so mild as to be not worth mentioning.
One sunny evening in March, I returned from school to find police in my house. They had done a thorough search and found nothing. They were from the vice squad in London trying to break paedophile rings. Brian was arrested and we were told we had to move out of our house as it was attached to a residential children’s home. Brian’s letters had been found in the flat of a man who had videos and indecent photographs. They were both arrested. A very thorough investigation, which included the detailed questioning of staff and children totally exonerated Brian. He was however charged over the pornographic letters and photos and was given a one-year sentence. He served 6 months in Wormwood Scrubs. We were given accommodation by friends at church and after two months we were able to move to a new home of our own.
This was a traumatic time from which we shall never totally recover. It was the closest we came to separating because I felt betrayed and that the sacrifice I had made, relinquishing my sexuality and the possibility of motherhood, had been for nothing. I had seen the qualities and gifting in Brian and was prepared to give him a role in society by marrying him, but he had not remained faithful to me. The support and care from Jeremy at Courage and from Sean at Lakeside have enabled us to stay together and rebuild our lives. God was very gracious to us.
The prison sentence, and the caring support of Christian friends, enabled Brian to break his addiction. For over seven years he has not returned to the unwholesome writing. He made himself accountable to three different men and had in-depth prayer ministry which revealed things about his childhood which he had hidden even from himself. He has turned his life around and used his time to support Courage and a Romanian charity.
It has taken me many years to recover and regain some spiritual strength. The events have made me question everything I ever believed. Brian has more recently been through treatment for prostate cancer and a triple heart-bypass operation. God saw us through it all with His loving provision and by the love and care of so many friends. I have learned through all these events to trust in a God whose ways are mysterious. I have experienced the depths of despair and been tempted to end my life. We have both been greatly blessed by our contact with liturgical worship, the Roman Catholic and High Anglican church as well as the Orthodox Church. We have moved into the new way of understanding the Word of God as we have listened to Jeremy, Roy Clements and Ralph Blair. We have a wider and more liberal understanding while not rejecting our evangelical roots.
Retiring from teaching has given me a new lease of life and a new lifestyle. Both Brian and I feel it is our privilege to assist with the work of Courage and the work of the Miriam Foundation in Romania. Our prayer is that by sharing our story honestly we may bring encouragement and support to others.
© Sheila Longman
2004